I'm caught in the eye of another storm. There's a vicious tornado screaming and destroying everything in sight. The winds are whipping and hissing all around me. Although they're not, things seem so calm and quiet where I stand. I'm frozen, I cannot speak, although my mouth continuously opens in disbelief. I can't seem to feel anymore. I reach out to help, to calm and soothe, but it never helps. The only thing I can feel is a paralyzing numbness, as the unrelenting cold continues to cut off my circulation. My hands feel as if they've been soaked in iced water, they were strong and able, now they're totally useless. I feel nothing but a deep and constant ache that I cannot reach to warm and thaw. Everything around me is spinning and crashing before my eyes. I'm unable to still the torrid winds, nor interrupt the chaos called life.
I lost Bobby, the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Then I lost our home we shared together. I stayed with a friend of his for awhile, renting a room out. That didn't work out, he wasn't the kind, caring and giving man he made himself out to be. He was out to get every dime he could off of me. I only had a small bedroom I couldn't even walk around in that I paid over half of my disability check to rent. The house was mouse ridden and filthy, so bad I couldn't fathom putting my hands on his things to clean them.
My health began to get worse, I was in a fog of depression, just existing and locking myself in a hot room without airconditioning during the hottest summer months this town has seen in years. I lost over twenty pounds, sitting there soaked in sweat day in and day out. I was in and out of the hospital emergency room and admitted to the hospital twice for a few nights. I was vomiting and unable to keep food or water down. I was only eating enough to survive, a bite here, a bite there. I was getting infections and my liver became diseased. I even hallucinated the night I left, I saw things that I'll never forget, that were never there. My eyes and fingers saw and touched things that others could not see or feel. I called my father for help, to get me out of there. He took me to my uncle's where my brother stayed as well and I stayed in the small utility room in the back of the house, another situation where I was cramped and locked myself in day in and day out. I gave my father power of attorney and sought help. We drove around for two days trying to find a place that would admit me and help me get over the withdrawals from the medications my doctor took me off of because my liver couldn't process them. That's why I hallucinated that one night. My liver couldn't process a medication I took and it went straight to my brain, causing me to temporarily lose my mind. I think I had a nervous breakdown now that I look back. I stayed in a mental hospital for almost a week. It was the only place that my insurance would pay for to detox my body from the medications. It helped me for a bit, but then the depression came back once I got out for a week or two or three. Time didn't exist for me for awhile. I slept as much as I could, but I was so ill there was mostly sleepless nights.
During this, I had to put down my deceased mother's dog, Sambam. I loved her so much, she was like a sister and/or daughter to me. Sambam was 19 years old the day I had her euthanized. Literally, overnight, she had lost all bladder and bowel control and was paralyzed and stuck in her own filth on her pillow. I had stayed the night with a friend and when I left she was fine. The morning I came in and went to her pillow to find her, she looked at me like she was saying "thank God you're finally here, please help me!" She couldn't move her back end at all, only her front paws and head. She was so weak, it was time. I had already been talking about having her put down because she was so old, arthritic, and seemed not to be enjoying life anymore. A few days before, I'd even asked my dad to build her a little box to bury her in. He did thankfully and I wrapped her in my mom's robe that I'd saved just for that, and put her in the little box. My uncle was with me and we wrote things on her box, as we cried and told her goodbye. Rest in peace, nineteen years old, bye baby girl, etc. She was so precious to my mom. Mom would even hire her a babysitter so she didn't have to be alone if she was going to be gone somewhere. Mom's dying words to me were to "take care of my baby" and I did just that for nine more years. I had her when I lived in Reno for a few years too.
The depression came at me so swiftly I didn't even see it. I just existed, weak and sick. My hygiene got bad and I didn't do anything but lay in bed or sit on the couch and watch TV. I started worrying my family again, causing a family member to be so worried about me he screamed and yelled trying to get me to comprehend. I only cried and didn't understand, I thought he was being mean to me, but he was trying to love me and get me to wake up. I didn't understand or see what he was trying to do. He was trying to make me snap out of it, it was killing him to see me exist that way. I didn't mean to cause them so much pain.
It was just a temporary living situation until my father found me somewhere to stay. He found a small duplex and I moved in and was just existing again. Until I lifted my head and started seeing the world around me. I became friends with my neighbors and started doing things again. I got out of the house and even began dating one guy I met. That was hard, all I could think about was losing Bobby, he'd passed away only a little over a year at that time. But I finally went to his grave and told him I was moving on and going to try to live life again and that I'd met someone that wanted to date me. It almost seems silly to ask the dead for approval to live and pursue life again now that I look back, but it was something I had to do.
The guy told me for several weeks that he was interested in me, but I kept telling him my heart was numb and dead. He kept telling me that it wasn't, that he'd grow on me. And he did, he snuck up and kissed me and my heart began to beat again, I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't let things move any further than light kisses for several weeks. I still felt as if I was betraying Bobby in a way. I've always been a faithful partner. Our relationship didn't end the way others do, this was something I didn't understand, the death of your spouse. So I felt I wasn't supposed to move on or date or anything. I was supposed to be mourning him. But a gentle hug and kiss awoke something inside me and I looked up and finally saw someone else who cared about me and wanted to pursue a relationship with me. I was uncomfortable in a sense, but I finally let it happen. I was dating again. It's only been a little over a month now that we've been together.
Low and behold, the clouds begin to shift again and another storm begins to form and sneaks up on me, on us. The wind is cackling and you can feel the electricity in the air. The roars of thunder and cracks of lightning begin. At first I thought this was just me waking up and beginning to hear and feel and living again. The excitement of it all was okay, it was just life, I was living and experiencing and no longer deaf to it all. It isn't long until I realize it's a nasty, violent storm moving in my direction again.
Too early into a relationship, when things are supposed to be perfect. We begin not getting along and fighting and bickering nonstop. I couldn't understand it, things had seemed so good before. I couldn't figure out why things had changed or what had happened to cause him to want to argue, all the while saying he hated arguing. I would plead with him to stop, that it was okay, but he'd go on and on. He started arguing with me and nothing I said was right. He'd get mad for no reason and just acted so strange, so different than that first month together. We fought the first day he went to the hospital and the second one too. I tried not to, but he was stubborn. Even in the emergency room, I would just ask him if I could get him something or try to make him comfortable and he'd get mad. I was very confused! I didn't understand it then, but I do now...
(Paragraph deleted by Samantha. This blog entry is only a rough draft of my article/story.)
(Paragraph edited/deleted by Samantha.)
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Does it EVER end???
Well, it seems that it never ends, not for me!!! First I lose Bobby, my hubby October 17, 2008. Then I lose my Sambam on February 21, 2009. Now I'm losing my home I shared with Bobby and Sambam for 3 years. I don't have the money to pay the rent or bills. I didn't get my SSI check this month due to an "investigation" on the moneys I won at the casino. They've requested I send in all the receipts, 1099s or whatever they're called, etc. That in itself, is a chore, finding all that again.
The apartments will be sending me to court anytime and setting a court date, where I will appear and have to surrender the property to them, because I don't have money to pay them.
Then I believe I'll have 48 hours to get out after the Sheriff posts the notice on the door or gives to me, not sure how that works. I have never been evicted. :(
I don't have any money to get a hotel for me and Rosie, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I pray they will get me my next SSI check, along with the backpay, once they figure out that I've paid the last few years for the months I had won money. I was down to about $800 owed from about $13,000 because they took 10% out of every check, every month.
I guess this is another "woe is me" post. But it helps me to vent.
I thought I already had somewhere to live, with a friend of mine. Said I could pay $150 a month to rent out one of his bedrooms. But now he is saying it's $150 a week!!! I can't pay that, that's more than I pay for this apartment! I made him confirm to me twice, when he said $150 a month. "Are you sure this is monthly and not weekly?" He said "yes, monthly". He had told me he usually charges $100 to rent out a room a month, but since I had a dog, it would be $150 a month. I said that was no problem, I could pay that. I even planned on helping him with his electric and water bills, paying a percentage of it, to help out.
Of course nothing ever works out as planned. I have to go find a bunch of boxes and get to packing and throwing things away, so there's not so much to move. It's amazing how much one (used to be two, until I lost my man to severe pancreatitis, failed liver/kidneys, etc) accumulates in 3 years. I like all of our stuff, especially because they all have little memories. When Bobby would work, he'd always come home with some kind of surprise, a trinket he'd found here or there. He was always so proud of himself, even if it was just marbles to put in my vase that I planned on putting a plant in, only water and marbles. I accidentally broke that vase pouring the marbles in it, after he died. But I can always find another one, I still have the marbles and other small round things he found, like a round die (dice) or a heart the size of a marble, etc.
I'm hoping my brother and my sister-in-law will let me stay with them for a few weeks, possibly a few months, until I find a new home. They already have four dogs and have had complaints, so I'm not sure having Rosie dog will work out. But hopefully since it's temporary, we can stay there. Also, my Dad doesn't like that idea, says that two women in one household is bad news. I'll need to stay with them a few weeks, until I can find somewhere else to live. Hopefully it won't be too stressful, if they allow me to stay.
Well anyways, just thought I'd vent and get this all off my chest for the night so I can sleep.
Wish me luck and please pray for me that everything works out for me and Rosie, that we find a new home.
God Bless Friends,
Samantha
The apartments will be sending me to court anytime and setting a court date, where I will appear and have to surrender the property to them, because I don't have money to pay them.
Then I believe I'll have 48 hours to get out after the Sheriff posts the notice on the door or gives to me, not sure how that works. I have never been evicted. :(
I don't have any money to get a hotel for me and Rosie, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I pray they will get me my next SSI check, along with the backpay, once they figure out that I've paid the last few years for the months I had won money. I was down to about $800 owed from about $13,000 because they took 10% out of every check, every month.
I guess this is another "woe is me" post. But it helps me to vent.
I thought I already had somewhere to live, with a friend of mine. Said I could pay $150 a month to rent out one of his bedrooms. But now he is saying it's $150 a week!!! I can't pay that, that's more than I pay for this apartment! I made him confirm to me twice, when he said $150 a month. "Are you sure this is monthly and not weekly?" He said "yes, monthly". He had told me he usually charges $100 to rent out a room a month, but since I had a dog, it would be $150 a month. I said that was no problem, I could pay that. I even planned on helping him with his electric and water bills, paying a percentage of it, to help out.
Of course nothing ever works out as planned. I have to go find a bunch of boxes and get to packing and throwing things away, so there's not so much to move. It's amazing how much one (used to be two, until I lost my man to severe pancreatitis, failed liver/kidneys, etc) accumulates in 3 years. I like all of our stuff, especially because they all have little memories. When Bobby would work, he'd always come home with some kind of surprise, a trinket he'd found here or there. He was always so proud of himself, even if it was just marbles to put in my vase that I planned on putting a plant in, only water and marbles. I accidentally broke that vase pouring the marbles in it, after he died. But I can always find another one, I still have the marbles and other small round things he found, like a round die (dice) or a heart the size of a marble, etc.
I'm hoping my brother and my sister-in-law will let me stay with them for a few weeks, possibly a few months, until I find a new home. They already have four dogs and have had complaints, so I'm not sure having Rosie dog will work out. But hopefully since it's temporary, we can stay there. Also, my Dad doesn't like that idea, says that two women in one household is bad news. I'll need to stay with them a few weeks, until I can find somewhere else to live. Hopefully it won't be too stressful, if they allow me to stay.
Well anyways, just thought I'd vent and get this all off my chest for the night so I can sleep.
Wish me luck and please pray for me that everything works out for me and Rosie, that we find a new home.
God Bless Friends,
Samantha
Friday, March 20, 2009
Rest In Peace My Beloved Sambam
I had to put my beloved Sambam down on February 21, 2009. I had spent the night with a friend and when I got home the next morning, Sambam was half paralyzed and couldn't even move. She couldn't even get off her pillow to use the restroom and had been going all over herself. My friend Josh was staying with her and Rosie, petsitting, and I guess Sambam had pooped on his jeans and by her pillow when he let her sleep beside him on the floor by the couch he was sleeping on.
When I went into the room to check on Sambam, she couldn't move. But her eyes said everything! "You're finally here! Help me!" I immediately started calling different vets to see who was cheapest and I didn't have enough cash on hand to have her euthanized. I finally remembered the vet she'd had numerous surgeries with throughout the years and they let me write a postdated check for 6 days, until my check came.
It was the hardest thing I've had to do! They took her into the back room and wouldn't let me go in with her, while they did the catheter and emptied her bowels and kidneys. Sambam screamed and cried unlike I'd ever heard before out of her. I felt so bad for her. She was already so tired and I hated that they put her through that!
When they finally brought her back to me, I cuddled her a moment and told her it was okay and it was all over now and I laid her on the table, wrapped in my mom's robe that I'd saved to bury her in.
Sambam was my mom's dog, but Mom's last words to me were "Take care of my baby!" So I did just that, Sambam lived a long, happy life of 19 long years! I have many precious memories of her and I will always cherish each and every one of them! I was never able to have children, so Sambam was like my first daughter. Rosie is my second, she's a dog I inherited a few years ago, also a miniature dachshund.
Anyways, I talked to Sambam and told her she was a good girl and she always made me happy and that I loved her and that it was okay to go to sleep and go be with Mom in Heaven now. I told her to give my recently deceased hubby Bobby and my mom "sugars" for me and to take care of them until I get there.
I then nodded to the doctor and he gave her the shots and Sambam took her last precious breath. I then asked the doc "Is she gone?" and he said "yes" and I started crying uncontrollably. I'm so glad I was able to hold it together as long as I did, so it didn't scare my Sambam and she was able to go to sleep peacefully and without worry. She really was so so tired, bless her little heart.
I never dreamed how hard that would be!!! So many emotions went through my mind, like what if she was just sick and would've gotten better? What if I had her put down for nothing, etc. But I came back to reality and realized it was her time anyways and I had been planning to have it done that weekend anyways.
I gave her sugars and wrapped her in mom's robe, paid the bill, and took Sambam with me to my Uncle's house, and had her buried there. My dad had made a little coffin box for her to be buried in and we put her in it, dug her grave, I planted some flowers in the dirt above her grave and I cried a whole lot sitting on the ground where my baby was laid to rest.
I miss you Sambam and I love you Baby Girl! I can't wait until I see you at Rainbow Bridge and we can be together again. Rosie dog misses you too baby, she hasn't been the same since you left. I keep telling her that we'll see you again when it is our time to go to Heaven. She is slowly coming back and starting to play a few minutes every now and then. She sure misses her sister that she always looked after!
Rest In Peace My Sambam! Fly and Run With the Angels Baby Girl! Give Mom and Bobby lots of love and sugars for me!!! I miss you so so SOOO much! I am always looking for you by my side and at my feet, and sometime I still see you there or avoid tripping over you when you sneak up on me. Then I realize it was a shoe or a shadow or something and not you. I miss you always by my side and in my lap. There will NEVER be another dog like you, who loved me as much as you did! Rosie is a close second, but she wasn't a puppy who used to ride around in my purse wherever I went or on my shoulders when we'd go "bye-bye" all the time.
When I went into the room to check on Sambam, she couldn't move. But her eyes said everything! "You're finally here! Help me!" I immediately started calling different vets to see who was cheapest and I didn't have enough cash on hand to have her euthanized. I finally remembered the vet she'd had numerous surgeries with throughout the years and they let me write a postdated check for 6 days, until my check came.
It was the hardest thing I've had to do! They took her into the back room and wouldn't let me go in with her, while they did the catheter and emptied her bowels and kidneys. Sambam screamed and cried unlike I'd ever heard before out of her. I felt so bad for her. She was already so tired and I hated that they put her through that!
When they finally brought her back to me, I cuddled her a moment and told her it was okay and it was all over now and I laid her on the table, wrapped in my mom's robe that I'd saved to bury her in.
Sambam was my mom's dog, but Mom's last words to me were "Take care of my baby!" So I did just that, Sambam lived a long, happy life of 19 long years! I have many precious memories of her and I will always cherish each and every one of them! I was never able to have children, so Sambam was like my first daughter. Rosie is my second, she's a dog I inherited a few years ago, also a miniature dachshund.
Anyways, I talked to Sambam and told her she was a good girl and she always made me happy and that I loved her and that it was okay to go to sleep and go be with Mom in Heaven now. I told her to give my recently deceased hubby Bobby and my mom "sugars" for me and to take care of them until I get there.
I then nodded to the doctor and he gave her the shots and Sambam took her last precious breath. I then asked the doc "Is she gone?" and he said "yes" and I started crying uncontrollably. I'm so glad I was able to hold it together as long as I did, so it didn't scare my Sambam and she was able to go to sleep peacefully and without worry. She really was so so tired, bless her little heart.
I never dreamed how hard that would be!!! So many emotions went through my mind, like what if she was just sick and would've gotten better? What if I had her put down for nothing, etc. But I came back to reality and realized it was her time anyways and I had been planning to have it done that weekend anyways.
I gave her sugars and wrapped her in mom's robe, paid the bill, and took Sambam with me to my Uncle's house, and had her buried there. My dad had made a little coffin box for her to be buried in and we put her in it, dug her grave, I planted some flowers in the dirt above her grave and I cried a whole lot sitting on the ground where my baby was laid to rest.
I miss you Sambam and I love you Baby Girl! I can't wait until I see you at Rainbow Bridge and we can be together again. Rosie dog misses you too baby, she hasn't been the same since you left. I keep telling her that we'll see you again when it is our time to go to Heaven. She is slowly coming back and starting to play a few minutes every now and then. She sure misses her sister that she always looked after!
Rest In Peace My Sambam! Fly and Run With the Angels Baby Girl! Give Mom and Bobby lots of love and sugars for me!!! I miss you so so SOOO much! I am always looking for you by my side and at my feet, and sometime I still see you there or avoid tripping over you when you sneak up on me. Then I realize it was a shoe or a shadow or something and not you. I miss you always by my side and in my lap. There will NEVER be another dog like you, who loved me as much as you did! Rosie is a close second, but she wasn't a puppy who used to ride around in my purse wherever I went or on my shoulders when we'd go "bye-bye" all the time.
Awaiting the Inevitable
I found this poem I'd written in my personal box, it is a poem I'd written when my mother was diagnosed with Lung Cancer (small cell carcinoma). She'd already beat Thyroid Cancer and Ovarian Cancer, but the last one got her. This is a poem I had written, trying to give her strength and courage to continue her fight. I was also trying to convey how much she meant to me and everyone else. I wanted her to beat it, as did everyone else! She didn't even make it a year after their diagnosis. I wrote this in 1999 when I moved back from Reno, Nevada to be with my Mom and family. She died on January 24th, 2000. R.I.P. Mom
Awaiting the Inevitable
A year has passed
Since we were told the news
Of how you'll be going
Before your time is due
I'm still not sure
If I have comprehended
The loss that will come
My time with you suspended
I don't want to mourn you
While you are still here and able
Yet it hurts so much
Awaiting the inevitable
Mother I love you
Please don't go
Fight this demon away
Be the first to say no
Don't let it overcome you
Nor bring you down
Stand up for your rights
Kick it to the ground
Cancer is uncaring
Unfeeling of our sorrows
Growing and feeding
Trying to take you tomorrow
Show it whose boss
Brush it all away
Make the headlines
"Mom fought off cancer today"
I know it is hopeless
Yearning this way
Yet I cannot help it
I want you to stay
So make them all liars
Prove them all wrong
You have more time
Their hypothesis is wrong
Live longer and happier
In these last years
Show them remission
Show them no fears
By Samantha Broaddrick
Copyright © 1999
In Loving Memory
Rest In Peace
I Miss You So Much Mom!
Melba Eileen Johnson (Broaddrick) Glenn
October 7, 1951 - January 24, 2000
Awaiting the Inevitable
A year has passed
Since we were told the news
Of how you'll be going
Before your time is due
I'm still not sure
If I have comprehended
The loss that will come
My time with you suspended
I don't want to mourn you
While you are still here and able
Yet it hurts so much
Awaiting the inevitable
Mother I love you
Please don't go
Fight this demon away
Be the first to say no
Don't let it overcome you
Nor bring you down
Stand up for your rights
Kick it to the ground
Cancer is uncaring
Unfeeling of our sorrows
Growing and feeding
Trying to take you tomorrow
Show it whose boss
Brush it all away
Make the headlines
"Mom fought off cancer today"
I know it is hopeless
Yearning this way
Yet I cannot help it
I want you to stay
So make them all liars
Prove them all wrong
You have more time
Their hypothesis is wrong
Live longer and happier
In these last years
Show them remission
Show them no fears
By Samantha Broaddrick
Copyright © 1999
In Loving Memory
Rest In Peace
I Miss You So Much Mom!
Melba Eileen Johnson (Broaddrick) Glenn
October 7, 1951 - January 24, 2000
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