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Sunday, February 7, 2010

Update: It's Been Awhile - I'm moving again!

Hi friends!

I just thought I'd write to let you all know what I've been up to these days.

It's been awhile since I've posted anything, so I'm not sure where I left off.

I was renting a room with a friend that didn't work out. Then I moved into the utility room of my Uncle Ed's house. That didn't work out because my brother and I clashed a lot. So I got a small 1 bedroom duplex. I stayed in it for almost 4 months, it was a temporary living situation from the start. I put in my 30 day notice that I was moving on January 26th by phone to the landlords. I was late getting the written notice in the mail, I did that on Feb 4th. I hope that they don't hold that against us and make us pay til the 4th. ("Us" means me and my Dad, he's helped me a lot and helped me get the place, he's the one who found the ad in the paper). The landlord's wife told me it shouldn't be a problem, to just get it in the mail as soon as I could.

Now I get to pack up and get everything moved from the duplex to my Uncle Ed's house. I'm moving back in with my Uncle because my brother will be gone for about 4 years. I'm taking over his bedroom, so my Uncle has to pack everything up so I can move my things in there. I'm still waiting on him to do that. I thought he was going to do it this weekend, but he hasn't. It might be next weekend or sometime this week. I'm not sure if they have work this week or not.

It's not going to be much fun cleaning up the place. My dog and my friend's dog soiled up the carpet in a few places. I'll have to get a steam cleaner or some Resolve and scrub like a mad woman! It isn't stinky thankfully, just stained.

My brother's pitbull Spanky is at my Uncle Ed's house too, thankfully Rosie and him get along. Sometimes Spanky forgets how big he is though and gets a little rough with her. She usually sets him straight though with a "grrr" and he backs off. She's due to have a litter of pups on the week of Valentine's Day sometime. Her 'due date' is February 19th. She's so big! She mated with a standard dachshund who weighs about 42 lbs and she's a miniature dachshund that weighs about 14 lbs. (I'm guessing on her weight). She looks like she's about to pop anytime. I hope she doesn't have any problems having the pups, she probably has about 6 puppies! Not good, she's gonna be so worn out and sore after having them. I'll be there to help though and my friend is also 'on call' to be there to help out too. She was with Rosie when she had her first litter. She used to be Rosie's momma. Her name is Remy, she and her daughter Katie didn't have anywhere to keep Rosie so they asked me to take her. I fell in love with her after 5 minutues of her being in my apartment. She has the sweetest personality! She's a piebald, red and white with red speckled spots and red on her back and face. She's very unique looking and that makes me love her even more! So many people see her and say "wow, I've never seen a speckled wienie dog!" haha!

I better get to packing, then a nap, then going to my uncle's to stay the night. I'll write more later! Probably after I've moved.

God Bless!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Fighting Yet Another Storm!

I'm caught in the eye of another storm. There's a vicious tornado screaming and destroying everything in sight. The winds are whipping and hissing all around me. Although they're not, things seem so calm and quiet where I stand. I'm frozen, I cannot speak, although my mouth continuously opens in disbelief. I can't seem to feel anymore. I reach out to help, to calm and soothe, but it never helps. The only thing I can feel is a paralyzing numbness, as the unrelenting cold continues to cut off my circulation. My hands feel as if they've been soaked in iced water, they were strong and able, now they're totally useless. I feel nothing but a deep and constant ache that I cannot reach to warm and thaw. Everything around me is spinning and crashing before my eyes. I'm unable to still the torrid winds, nor interrupt the chaos called life.

I lost Bobby, the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Then I lost our home we shared together. I stayed with a friend of his for awhile, renting a room out. That didn't work out, he wasn't the kind, caring and giving man he made himself out to be. He was out to get every dime he could off of me. I only had a small bedroom I couldn't even walk around in that I paid over half of my disability check to rent. The house was mouse ridden and filthy, so bad I couldn't fathom putting my hands on his things to clean them.

My health began to get worse, I was in a fog of depression, just existing and locking myself in a hot room without airconditioning during the hottest summer months this town has seen in years. I lost over twenty pounds, sitting there soaked in sweat day in and day out. I was in and out of the hospital emergency room and admitted to the hospital twice for a few nights. I was vomiting and unable to keep food or water down. I was only eating enough to survive, a bite here, a bite there. I was getting infections and my liver became diseased. I even hallucinated the night I left, I saw things that I'll never forget, that were never there. My eyes and fingers saw and touched things that others could not see or feel. I called my father for help, to get me out of there. He took me to my uncle's where my brother stayed as well and I stayed in the small utility room in the back of the house, another situation where I was cramped and locked myself in day in and day out. I gave my father power of attorney and sought help. We drove around for two days trying to find a place that would admit me and help me get over the withdrawals from the medications my doctor took me off of because my liver couldn't process them. That's why I hallucinated that one night. My liver couldn't process a medication I took and it went straight to my brain, causing me to temporarily lose my mind. I think I had a nervous breakdown now that I look back. I stayed in a mental hospital for almost a week. It was the only place that my insurance would pay for to detox my body from the medications. It helped me for a bit, but then the depression came back once I got out for a week or two or three. Time didn't exist for me for awhile. I slept as much as I could, but I was so ill there was mostly sleepless nights.

During this, I had to put down my deceased mother's dog, Sambam. I loved her so much, she was like a sister and/or daughter to me. Sambam was 19 years old the day I had her euthanized. Literally, overnight, she had lost all bladder and bowel control and was paralyzed and stuck in her own filth on her pillow. I had stayed the night with a friend and when I left she was fine. The morning I came in and went to her pillow to find her, she looked at me like she was saying "thank God you're finally here, please help me!" She couldn't move her back end at all, only her front paws and head. She was so weak, it was time. I had already been talking about having her put down because she was so old, arthritic, and seemed not to be enjoying life anymore. A few days before, I'd even asked my dad to build her a little box to bury her in. He did thankfully and I wrapped her in my mom's robe that I'd saved just for that, and put her in the little box. My uncle was with me and we wrote things on her box, as we cried and told her goodbye. Rest in peace, nineteen years old, bye baby girl, etc. She was so precious to my mom. Mom would even hire her a babysitter so she didn't have to be alone if she was going to be gone somewhere. Mom's dying words to me were to "take care of my baby" and I did just that for nine more years. I had her when I lived in Reno for a few years too.

The depression came at me so swiftly I didn't even see it. I just existed, weak and sick. My hygiene got bad and I didn't do anything but lay in bed or sit on the couch and watch TV. I started worrying my family again, causing a family member to be so worried about me he screamed and yelled trying to get me to comprehend. I only cried and didn't understand, I thought he was being mean to me, but he was trying to love me and get me to wake up. I didn't understand or see what he was trying to do. He was trying to make me snap out of it, it was killing him to see me exist that way. I didn't mean to cause them so much pain.

It was just a temporary living situation until my father found me somewhere to stay. He found a small duplex and I moved in and was just existing again. Until I lifted my head and started seeing the world around me. I became friends with my neighbors and started doing things again. I got out of the house and even began dating one guy I met. That was hard, all I could think about was losing Bobby, he'd passed away only a little over a year at that time. But I finally went to his grave and told him I was moving on and going to try to live life again and that I'd met someone that wanted to date me. It almost seems silly to ask the dead for approval to live and pursue life again now that I look back, but it was something I had to do.

The guy told me for several weeks that he was interested in me, but I kept telling him my heart was numb and dead. He kept telling me that it wasn't, that he'd grow on me. And he did, he snuck up and kissed me and my heart began to beat again, I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't let things move any further than light kisses for several weeks. I still felt as if I was betraying Bobby in a way. I've always been a faithful partner. Our relationship didn't end the way others do, this was something I didn't understand, the death of your spouse. So I felt I wasn't supposed to move on or date or anything. I was supposed to be mourning him. But a gentle hug and kiss awoke something inside me and I looked up and finally saw someone else who cared about me and wanted to pursue a relationship with me. I was uncomfortable in a sense, but I finally let it happen. I was dating again. It's only been a little over a month now that we've been together.

Low and behold, the clouds begin to shift again and another storm begins to form and sneaks up on me, on us. The wind is cackling and you can feel the electricity in the air. The roars of thunder and cracks of lightning begin. At first I thought this was just me waking up and beginning to hear and feel and living again. The excitement of it all was okay, it was just life, I was living and experiencing and no longer deaf to it all. It isn't long until I realize it's a nasty, violent storm moving in my direction again.

Too early into a relationship, when things are supposed to be perfect. We begin not getting along and fighting and bickering nonstop. I couldn't understand it, things had seemed so good before. I couldn't figure out why things had changed or what had happened to cause him to want to argue, all the while saying he hated arguing. I would plead with him to stop, that it was okay, but he'd go on and on. He started arguing with me and nothing I said was right. He'd get mad for no reason and just acted so strange, so different than that first month together. We fought the first day he went to the hospital and the second one too. I tried not to, but he was stubborn. Even in the emergency room, I would just ask him if I could get him something or try to make him comfortable and he'd get mad. I was very confused! I didn't understand it then, but I do now...

(Paragraph deleted by Samantha. This blog entry is only a rough draft of my article/story.)

(Paragraph edited/deleted by Samantha.)

Friday, April 10, 2009

Does it EVER end???

Well, it seems that it never ends, not for me!!! First I lose Bobby, my hubby October 17, 2008. Then I lose my Sambam on February 21, 2009. Now I'm losing my home I shared with Bobby and Sambam for 3 years. I don't have the money to pay the rent or bills. I didn't get my SSI check this month due to an "investigation" on the moneys I won at the casino. They've requested I send in all the receipts, 1099s or whatever they're called, etc. That in itself, is a chore, finding all that again.

The apartments will be sending me to court anytime and setting a court date, where I will appear and have to surrender the property to them, because I don't have money to pay them.

Then I believe I'll have 48 hours to get out after the Sheriff posts the notice on the door or gives to me, not sure how that works. I have never been evicted. :(

I don't have any money to get a hotel for me and Rosie, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I pray they will get me my next SSI check, along with the backpay, once they figure out that I've paid the last few years for the months I had won money. I was down to about $800 owed from about $13,000 because they took 10% out of every check, every month.

I guess this is another "woe is me" post. But it helps me to vent.

I thought I already had somewhere to live, with a friend of mine. Said I could pay $150 a month to rent out one of his bedrooms. But now he is saying it's $150 a week!!! I can't pay that, that's more than I pay for this apartment! I made him confirm to me twice, when he said $150 a month. "Are you sure this is monthly and not weekly?" He said "yes, monthly". He had told me he usually charges $100 to rent out a room a month, but since I had a dog, it would be $150 a month. I said that was no problem, I could pay that. I even planned on helping him with his electric and water bills, paying a percentage of it, to help out.

Of course nothing ever works out as planned. I have to go find a bunch of boxes and get to packing and throwing things away, so there's not so much to move. It's amazing how much one (used to be two, until I lost my man to severe pancreatitis, failed liver/kidneys, etc) accumulates in 3 years. I like all of our stuff, especially because they all have little memories. When Bobby would work, he'd always come home with some kind of surprise, a trinket he'd found here or there. He was always so proud of himself, even if it was just marbles to put in my vase that I planned on putting a plant in, only water and marbles. I accidentally broke that vase pouring the marbles in it, after he died. But I can always find another one, I still have the marbles and other small round things he found, like a round die (dice) or a heart the size of a marble, etc.

I'm hoping my brother and my sister-in-law will let me stay with them for a few weeks, possibly a few months, until I find a new home. They already have four dogs and have had complaints, so I'm not sure having Rosie dog will work out. But hopefully since it's temporary, we can stay there. Also, my Dad doesn't like that idea, says that two women in one household is bad news. I'll need to stay with them a few weeks, until I can find somewhere else to live. Hopefully it won't be too stressful, if they allow me to stay.

Well anyways, just thought I'd vent and get this all off my chest for the night so I can sleep.

Wish me luck and please pray for me that everything works out for me and Rosie, that we find a new home.

God Bless Friends,

Friday, March 20, 2009

Rest In Peace My Beloved Sambam

I had to put my beloved Sambam down on February 21, 2009. I had spent the night with a friend and when I got home the next morning, Sambam was half paralyzed and couldn't even move. She couldn't even get off her pillow to use the restroom and had been going all over herself. My friend Josh was staying with her and Rosie, petsitting, and I guess Sambam had pooped on his jeans and by her pillow when he let her sleep beside him on the floor by the couch he was sleeping on.

When I went into the room to check on Sambam, she couldn't move. But her eyes said everything! "You're finally here! Help me!" I immediately started calling different vets to see who was cheapest and I didn't have enough cash on hand to have her euthanized. I finally remembered the vet she'd had numerous surgeries with throughout the years and they let me write a postdated check for 6 days, until my check came.

It was the hardest thing I've had to do! They took her into the back room and wouldn't let me go in with her, while they did the catheter and emptied her bowels and kidneys. Sambam screamed and cried unlike I'd ever heard before out of her. I felt so bad for her. She was already so tired and I hated that they put her through that!

When they finally brought her back to me, I cuddled her a moment and told her it was okay and it was all over now and I laid her on the table, wrapped in my mom's robe that I'd saved to bury her in.

Sambam was my mom's dog, but Mom's last words to me were "Take care of my baby!" So I did just that, Sambam lived a long, happy life of 19 long years! I have many precious memories of her and I will always cherish each and every one of them! I was never able to have children, so Sambam was like my first daughter. Rosie is my second, she's a dog I inherited a few years ago, also a miniature dachshund.

Anyways, I talked to Sambam and told her she was a good girl and she always made me happy and that I loved her and that it was okay to go to sleep and go be with Mom in Heaven now. I told her to give my recently deceased hubby Bobby and my mom "sugars" for me and to take care of them until I get there.

I then nodded to the doctor and he gave her the shots and Sambam took her last precious breath. I then asked the doc "Is she gone?" and he said "yes" and I started crying uncontrollably. I'm so glad I was able to hold it together as long as I did, so it didn't scare my Sambam and she was able to go to sleep peacefully and without worry. She really was so so tired, bless her little heart.

I never dreamed how hard that would be!!! So many emotions went through my mind, like what if she was just sick and would've gotten better? What if I had her put down for nothing, etc. But I came back to reality and realized it was her time anyways and I had been planning to have it done that weekend anyways.

I gave her sugars and wrapped her in mom's robe, paid the bill, and took Sambam with me to my Uncle's house, and had her buried there. My dad had made a little coffin box for her to be buried in and we put her in it, dug her grave, I planted some flowers in the dirt above her grave and I cried a whole lot sitting on the ground where my baby was laid to rest.

I miss you Sambam and I love you Baby Girl! I can't wait until I see you at Rainbow Bridge and we can be together again. Rosie dog misses you too baby, she hasn't been the same since you left. I keep telling her that we'll see you again when it is our time to go to Heaven. She is slowly coming back and starting to play a few minutes every now and then. She sure misses her sister that she always looked after!

Rest In Peace My Sambam! Fly and Run With the Angels Baby Girl! Give Mom and Bobby lots of love and sugars for me!!! I miss you so so SOOO much! I am always looking for you by my side and at my feet, and sometime I still see you there or avoid tripping over you when you sneak up on me. Then I realize it was a shoe or a shadow or something and not you. I miss you always by my side and in my lap. There will NEVER be another dog like you, who loved me as much as you did! Rosie is a close second, but she wasn't a puppy who used to ride around in my purse wherever I went or on my shoulders when we'd go "bye-bye" all the time.

Awaiting the Inevitable

I found this poem I'd written in my personal box, it is a poem I'd written when my mother was diagnosed with Lung Cancer (small cell carcinoma). She'd already beat Thyroid Cancer and Ovarian Cancer, but the last one got her. This is a poem I had written, trying to give her strength and courage to continue her fight. I was also trying to convey how much she meant to me and everyone else. I wanted her to beat it, as did everyone else! She didn't even make it a year after their diagnosis. I wrote this in 1999 when I moved back from Reno, Nevada to be with my Mom and family. She died on January 24th, 2000. R.I.P. Mom

Awaiting the Inevitable

A year has passed
Since we were told the news
Of how you'll be going
Before your time is due

I'm still not sure
If I have comprehended
The loss that will come
My time with you suspended

I don't want to mourn you
While you are still here and able
Yet it hurts so much
Awaiting the inevitable

Mother I love you
Please don't go
Fight this demon away
Be the first to say no

Don't let it overcome you
Nor bring you down
Stand up for your rights
Kick it to the ground

Cancer is uncaring
Unfeeling of our sorrows
Growing and feeding
Trying to take you tomorrow

Show it whose boss
Brush it all away
Make the headlines
"Mom fought off cancer today"

I know it is hopeless
Yearning this way
Yet I cannot help it
I want you to stay

So make them all liars
Prove them all wrong
You have more time
Their hypothesis is wrong

Live longer and happier
In these last years
Show them remission
Show them no fears

By Samantha Broaddrick
Copyright © 1999

In Loving Memory
Rest In Peace
I Miss You So Much Mom!

Melba Eileen Johnson (Broaddrick) Glenn
October 7, 1951 - January 24, 2000

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Update - My Whereabouts

Hello everyone!

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted to my blog. I've been very busy with my Uncle's surgeries and then my own.

My Uncle Ed has had 4 surgeries to date and they think he is good for years to come now. They didn't have to do the bypass surgery. Instead, they put regular and medicated stents in. He has a total of 7 stents now and should have no more blockages in his heart. I spent lots of hours with him in the hospital, I was the one who stayed 24/7 with him in case he needed anything and so he'd have family by his side. He is doing good now, he is still working, has an occasional pressure in his chest from time to time, but nothing like his heart attack. The doctors say due to the damage from the heart attack, he'll always have some kind of angina. He beat the MRSA staff infection for months, but it is back again now. I just found out 2 days ago the MRSA was back! Grrr! I hope he gets rid of it again, as it eats away at his body leaving painful boils all over him. He is doing good otherwise, I thank the Lord for that!

I had a laparascopic assisted vaginal hysterectomy on May 27th. They took out my cervix, uterus, right ovary and right fallopian tube. I was in the hospital 2 days. It was a very painful surgery and I had a few complications afterwards. I had a high fever and woke with my entire top lip covered in fever blisters and swollen. I had terrible gas pains and was unable to use the restroom for days and was so bloated. Felt like I was trying to pass razor blades the size of apples! Very painful! I went back to the dr a week after surgery and they ran tests and did a pelvic exam.. OUCH! Thankfully they didn't find anything seriously wrong, just bruised and extra sore from the surgery. They put me on antibiotics just in case and I felt better a few days later and was able to go back to my apartment FINALLY 10 days after surgery. I stayed with my brother and sister-in-law and she took care of me until I got to go home. I wouldn't have gotten through the surgery/recovery without her! I am forever grateful to her! It is now 12 days after the surgery and I'm finally on the mend! I believe the worst is behind me now.

Anyways, I just haven't posted in so long, have been so busy with life and family. I will try to come back soon and post again. Take Care all!

Saturday, January 26, 2008

My Uncle Had a Heart Attack on Jan 15th

Hiya friends! {{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}

Sorry I haven't been around. I haven't been feeling well for one thing.

The other is serious... my Uncle Ed, who just turned 65 this year (who I call Uncle Dad or Uncle Dude, he is the one who raised me and my two brothers) had a heart attack on January 15th when he was doing a remodeling job in Arkansas. He never had any signs of problems, it just hit him one day at work. My Dad noticed the signs, as he has problems with blockages, angina, etc and gave my uncle nitro twice and an aspirin before the ambulance arrived, he saved his life by doing so. The ambulance gave him another dose of nitro on the way to the hospital. He was then sent to another hospital after he was stabilized that had a cath lab. The 2nd hospital did emergency angioplasty surgery to check for blockages, etc and found many problems. They were unable to do any stents or anything because he had 4 arteries that were terribly blocked. The main artery, called the "widowmaker" is 98/99% blocked, another is 97% blocked, another 92% blocked, and the 4th is like 85% blocked. He has also contracted the MRSA staff infection somehow, so they have been unable to do ANY type of surgery since, being afraid the infection would spread and get to his heart and then they said he wouldn't have a chance. The only way they would do surgery is if he had another heart attack and then they'd do the emergency bypass surgery and hope for the best.

Anyways, he's been in the hospital in Pine Bluff, Arkansas since January 15th, still there, and he has undergone antibiotics intravaneously (IV) and also blood thinners, fluids, taking a high blood pressure pill twice a day now (he's never had high blood pressure until this) and they are going to do surgery at 9am January 28th to put a stent in his main artery that is 98/99% blocked. Then they plan on keeping him for a few more days, until Wednesday the 30th and then we'll get to take him back home to Tulsa, Oklahoma. We're praying for a quick surgery with no problems and that this stent will help him not have another heart attack before he finds a surgeon to do his bypass surgery in Tulsa.

He has to go through a 5 hour drive back to Tulsa from Arkansas and he's very sore from being laid up in a hospital bed, but he will be glad to be back home and sleep in his own bed for a few days. Depending on how long until we can get him in to see a surgeon to do his bypass surgery. It is also dependant on if his MRSA infection is gone completely too. I guess he will always be a carrier, as he contracted it before, but got rid of it. But it's came back. Grrr! The nurse says the type of work he does is probably the cause of getting it in the first place. He remodels homes, businesses, etc and is always handling the nasty stuff, gutting the inside of buildings, etc. Dirty dirty!

I will be leaving tomorrow, Sunday Jan 27th with my father to go back to Pine Bluff, Arkansas so I can be there for his stent surgery and then help take care of him until he gets to come back home.

I was there the day he had his heart attack until January 20th, helping take care of him, and would still be there, but I had to come home to get all my medications and pick up my pain medications that couldn't be faxed or called in. Grrr! You'd think in emergency situations there should/could be a way around that, but nopes. I've been wanting to go back to him every day, but my car won't make it and nobody else has driven that way, so I couldn't catch a ride. But now I have one with my father tomorrow and will be by my Uncle Ed's side again and there if he needs me.

I just wanted to update everyone on where I've been and what's been going on.

Please say prayers for my Uncle, he's going to need them, as he has some tough surgeries and then a very serious one coming up, the triple/quadruple bypass. I am so scared and don't know what I'd do without him in my life and pray to God he makes it through this. He is very strong and healthy otherwise, so I'm sure he'll be fine, but I can't help worrying, along with everyone else. My uncle is my hero, my idol, he is the one I wrote about in my About Me page. He is always there if you need help, no questions asked. He never does things for himself, but for his family. He gets enjoyment out of seeing his family/blood learn or have fun (like fishing, hunting, fixing cars, etc). He works like a dog every day from the time he gets up, until the time he falls asleep in bed exhausted at night. He is my hero and I love him so much.

We need all the prayers we can get for him right now and for a speedy recovery after his bypass surgery.

Thanks all, ahead of time, for the prayers for him...I miss all of you!

Much Love,